Some Random Things From Two Years Ago
I’m reading old blogs from previous blog incarnations of mine (namely, myspace.) And I’m making myself laugh. As a result, I’ve decided to clip and paste some of my favorite parts. This is really best I had to say from 2009. There’s some stuff about me writing books, too. Which is fun.
“I do really hard things every day. I’m like a super hero. I know they’re really hard things because nobody else can do them. For example, there was ketchup spilled on the counter, but it was so hard to get off, that people had to leave it there so it would dry and get hard and then I could clean it off at 11:30 at night. That’s how hard it was. Good thing I’m such a super hero. Otherwise that ketchup might have been there until the end of time.”
“Here’s the thing: CGI is just like Keanu Reeves: it looks good, it’s useful in moderation in action movies, but there’s no substance. And puppetry is like Meryl Streep: no matter how you use it, or how small the part, it always carries the film.”
“I am listening to Taylor Hanson and liking it. I feel I’ve won.”
“Ponyboy Curtis. Worst name EVER.”
“Being me sure is an unnecessary adventure. And by adventure, I mean not an adventure.”
“Good thing I didn’t have that new Verizon hub. How does that even work as a house phone anyway? And do you really need to text from you home phone? Eventually people will just stop speaking entirely. George Orwell is like Nostradamus.”
“Jim Henson makes you cool. It’s a well-known fact. Find a cool person, ask them if they dig Jim Henson. If they don’t, then they’re not really cool. It’s all an act.”
“From a blog posted on March 27, 2009: I’m working harder than I’ve ever worked before. And I don’t know what more to do. I mean, I’m not gonna stop trying. Ever.
But I would like to try a different approach, since this one doesn’t seem to be working, and doing the same thing I always do will get me the same things I’ve always gotten. So if anyone has any ideas, I’ll take them all. If I ever want my books to get published, I’ve got to do something to make it happen, but I’m not entirely sure what that it is.”
“I stand by the Chuck Palahniuk quote I posted the other day. The one where we’re all sheep. Insectile. Thinking the same thought. One memory. All that jazz. But today, instead of thinking it’s sad and wrong, I enjoy it. I have no social life. But I sure do feel connected, knowing that at least 20,000 other people watched Jimmy Fallon and did the exact same thing as me. Never underestimate the power of the masses.”
“By the time I read the end of 1984, I was thinking that communism was a good idea. Big Brother totally turned me around to his way of thinking. I’ve never understood if that was the intention of the book or not. Like Animal Farm scared me, and I think it might be why pigs scare me now. But after 1984, I was like, ‘Man, I’m jealous. It seems like Big Brother has life figured out.’ Cause he totally did.”
“From a blog posted March 11, 2009: Once, I watched this movie with Albert Brooks in it, and he was a writer. I used to be really into him for awhile. I was like 12, and I was like, ‘Yeah, I totally relate to you 40-year-old Jewish neurotic.’
Anyway – in the movie Albert Brooks is trying to figure out why his mom hates him, so he stays with her. When he’s cleaning out her sowing room, he finds all these short stories on the top shelf of her closet. She wrote this really great one about Amelia Earhardt that he just loved, but they were all dated a long time ago, like before Albert Brooks was born.
So Albert Brooks takes this stories to his mom, and he’s says, ‘These are good. Why didn’t you get these published? I never knew you wrote. Why didn’t you tell me you wrote? Do you still write?’ And she talks about being a woman in the 50’s or whatever, and having kids, and how that just went on the back burner, and blah blah. There’s a really neat moral to the story, but if you want to see you have to watch the film. (It’s called Mother and it also stars Debbie Reynolds. So it’s pretty good).
My point is: Sometimes I wonder if that’ll be me someday. Like when I’m dead or old and crazy, and somebody’s cleaning out my house, and they’ll be all, ‘What? I never knew she wrote. Huh.’ If that’s what the culmination of my life’s work will be. Manuscripts in the closet of a spare room.”
“For what it’s worth, Marilyn Manson is one of the few consistently awesome musicians out there. I always enjoy his music. Well, everything after ‘Portrait of an American Family.’ I wish he would drop the whole ‘oh look at me I’m dark and mysterious and evil or something’ schtick. Nobody thinks he’s hardcore. His music is better than he is, but it’s like goth pop. Metallic new wave. It’s about as hardcore as lima beans. I love his always. But seriously? You’re 40. Grow up.”
“For true, this is like one of the proudest stories of my life. The very first time I saw The Sixth Sense without knowing anything about it, I went to see it with Tiffany Newman in the old Sterling Three Theater. And right away, after Bruce Willis got shot, I said, ‘I bet he’s dead.’ And I won”
“I was like the lamest kid. But I’m not lame now. I’m super cool. I’m the third coolest person you’ve ever met. So there. I was like an ugly duckling that turned into a fancy loon. That’s right. No swans here. Swans are dicks.”
“If I were a magic 8 ball, I would say, ‘Reply hazy, try again.’ And then when you tried again, ‘Outlook not so good.’ That’s what I would say. But there’s 1 in 20 chance that if you asked me if I liked Batman, I would say, ‘My sources say no.’ So as a magic 8 ball, I wouldn’t be completely accurate.”
“I’ve been saying ‘Take it!’ a lot really aggressively when things happen contrary to the way other people want it too. I’m starting to feel like a rapist as a result. And not in a good way.”
“You guys, Evan Almighty is a really good movie. I don’t care what you think. I have issues with impatience, and I know that I need to learn better. And I always think of Evan when Morgran Freeman was all, ‘When you ask for patience, does God just give you patience or does he give an opportunity to be patient?’ And for some reason, that makes me feel better. Even though I don’t believe in Morgan Freeman.”
“Forever is a long time. Time is a wicked, wicked fiend that always seems to speed up when it should slow down, and slow down when it should speed up. It never ever gets the pace just right.”
“Okay. The thing is that writing really excites me, and it’s like five in the morning. I mean, this is what I live for. For true. Heroin addicts have heroin, terrorists have terror, and I have book comas. I know that would’ve had better symmetry if I was like a book comaist, but that’s not a word.”
“I sure do like people that I don’t actually have to interact with… like celebrities and fictional characters and old home movies. Someday, I’ll probably be a hermit. I require a very small amount of human interaction.”
“Dear Savage Garden: There’s a reason that you’re not still famous, but you’re prolly the best thing to happen to Cherry Cola.”
“I was downstairs, watching this “film” entitled Watchers from 1988. I missed the first five minutes, but there’s lab experiments gone awry! There’s something with big hairy arms killing people. The police think it’s a sasquatch. Boy, are they in for a surprise. And then there’s a Golden Retriever. And get this! He’s smarter than Corey Haim! Will the wackiness ever end?
If I had a time machine, and it could only take me one place in time, I would not have it take me to five minutes before Heath Ledger took those pills or to November 1963 to tell JFK to maybe not drive around in a convertible that day.
No, no. It would be to somewhere in 1987, to the pitch meeting for Watchers. To hear an agent and screen writer and Corey Haim pitching this idea to someone, to see them nod their heads in approval… that would all be worth it to me.”